It Could Have Been Me

Whenever something like the Columbine shootings or the latest incident at Virginia Tech happens, I think to myself, it could be me doing that.

Generally, the perpetrators of such deeds have been loners, outcasts, generally shunned by society. I too am somewhat of an outcast and a loner...even though I have a family and a decent job.

In grade school I was the one who was always picked on and bullied. It wasn't so much physical bullying as it was phsycological and verbal. Being called names and left out of things because I was fat (a lot less common back in those days than it is now) and awkward. I was always picked last when teams were formed in gym class or at recess because I was lousy at sports. Having no siblings, I had not learned how to get along with and react to other children my own age. So I reacted in peculiar ways and therefore was teased and tormented. I did not have any friends.

In high school most of the teasing and tormenting had ended. But I was still an outcast. There were many cliques in high school. There were the jocks...obviously I was not one of those. There were the brains...not quite; I wasn't that smart. There were the band kids, the drama club kids and the shop kids (auto mechanics etc.). Nowhere did I fit in. I still had no friends.

The first part of college was a little better. I attended a small branch campus of a large university. There I finally had a small group of friends, at least for a while. But I have not heard from any of them since; so were they really friends? The second part of college went downhill. I was at the main campus of the large university. I found that the other kids in the dorms were a bunch of inconsiderate assholes...blasting stereos at all hours, setting off firecrackers in the hallways, etc. I had 1 friend. He is still pretty much my friend now. At least we still communicate from time to time, even though we live nowhere near each other.

Since college I have worked for a company, gotten married and raised 2 kids to high school age. But people still pretty much ignore me. In a social or party situation, no one sits with me/us unless it is the only place left; then they still ignore us. I still have no other friends. The town where I live is filled with inconsiderate generally drunk assholes....still blasting stereos, setting off firecrackers and yelling at the top of their lungs for no reason at all. College students that never grew up I guess. I am a quiet, shy, soft-spoken person and I am frightened by loud obnoxious people and unexpected loud noises.

I have done many things over the years to try to "fit in" somewhere. I became a volunteer first responder/firefighter for a time, but could not break into the clique so did not fit in there. I joined a different church than the one I was raised in, but then discovered that I was unable to live up to their expectations, so I don't fit in there either. Prettty much the only women who were ever interested in me were either fat, ugly, stupid or some combination of the 3. I have grown tired and unhappy with my career and wish I had gone into something else. My financial situation is bleak as I have spent all my money trying to make myself happy but to no avail. I cannot see any improvement in the future. Rarely a week goes by that I do not consider killing myself. Sometimes I think about it every day for a period of time but then my mood lightens and it is back to once a week for a while. I guess I am too chicken. Maybe it will hurt too much. Maybe I will fail at it like I have failed at most everything else in life. At least if I ever do do it, I will probably only kill myself and not take a bunch of other people with me.

So Sayeth The Shack