Sunday, September 07, 2008

Empty, Alone, Worthless

Hello, I am Nobody.

You might know me, or at least be aware of me. I might be someone you work with, someone who lives near you, or somebody you see walking along the street.

And yet, it seems as though I am invisible.

No one seems to care about me or wants to be my friend.

When I was a kid, all the other kids picked on me and no one would be my friend.

Later, people stopped picking on me, but I still didn't have any friends.

Hot girls never liked me...only the average or below-average ones ever had an interest.

Oh, there have been a few "friends" along the way, but over the years we have gone our separate ways due to various life circumstances, and nobody keeps in touch. No one writes, e-mails, calls, etc. The "friends" I had in college...I never heard from afterwards. "Friends" or coworkers from years ago, I never hear from. So I ask, were they ever really "friends"?

Now, I have no friends. No one to get together and have fun with or talk things over. I have "co-workers" and "acquaintances" but that is all.

No one invites me to their weddings.

I have a blog, but no one reads it. Well maybe one person.

I have tried joining various social and service organizations, even churches. But I always felt like I was on the fringe, never really like a part of the group. Almost like I was invisible.

EVEN MY MOTHER HATES ME!!! She never writes; she never calls.

And the hot girls still don't like me. Well I guess I'm too old for that now anyway.

What did I ever do to anyone to deserve this kind of treatment from anyone? What is wrong with me? I guess I am an empty shell and have nothing to offer anyone.

So I get up every day and go to work. Then I come home and feel empty, alone and worthless not to mention BORED OUT OF MY FRICKIN' MIND!!!! until I get up the next day and do it all over again.

I guess I really don't see the point of it all.

Some days I can keep myself busy and occupied and keep these feelings buried deep down inside, but today was not one of those days. The feelings are always there; deep-seated feelings of unhappiness, loneliness and emptiness. Never going away. Because no one ever really liked me.

So Sayeth The Shack



Jeni said...

Well, am I your "one friend" who reads your blog? I think you probably have more than one friend who reads it, maybe only one who comments though -although on occasion, I have seen a few others comment now and again.

I know from years of dealing with the same feelings as you are talking about here what that kind of loneliness is like -been there, done that for many of my almost 64 years on the planet. I finally realized I wam/am clinically depressed, went to a doctor and got some help -in the form of a very mild anti-depressant -Celexa (or is it Celaxa?) Anyway, point is, it works.

We talk ourselves into this frame of mind because the little things in our brains aren't firing quite right and they shoot the depression into us and from there, our self-talk does the rest. And a hell of a good job the two do when working in tandem too!

Seriously, my friend, go see a good, reputable doctor and don't be afraid to explain the feelings. You'll be surprised, I'm betting, how much differently -and better -you will feel. Not guaranteeing instantaneous friendship responses but could give you a better outlook on yourself. Right now, you're blinding yourself to the friends you do have but that you can't see for the other issues present.

Trust me on this one. I know from whence I speak.

The Shack said...

I hear you Jeni and I know from reading your blog that your own life has been no "bowl of cherries". I guess in comparison to many, my own life has been relatively easy and simple. I just wish I had more people to share it with. I see people everywhere chatting on the cell phones and with myspace pages populated with friends and it makes me jealous. I feel like I could die and no one would notice except maybe my wife and kids.

As far as doctors and medication is concerned; I have known many people on medical treatment for depression and it does not seem to work very well. Plus with my tight budget and sucky health insurance I just try to stay away from the doctors and medicine altogether because I can't afford it. I am still paying on a bill of thousands of dollars to the local hospital from when my son broke his leg over a year ago and had his thyroid removed earlier this year. Seems like you pay hundreds of dollars a month into insurance and then still have to pay thousands of dollars when something major happens. Doesn't seem worth it to me.

Terri said...

"I have a blog, but no one reads it. Well maybe one person."

Nope... two people.

I know exactly how you feel. Sometimes I feel like just getting in my car, driving to some distance beach and living the life of a bum. If I'm going to be invisible, I might as well enjoy the view.

In the meantime, when I'm really depressed, I take a shower... I've been known to take three showers in one day... or take a walk. It doesn't make the depression go away, but it makes me feel like I can cope with it better.

The Shack said...

Terri, the beach sounds like a great idea! Never though of that one. A shower might work...especially if I have some company, preferably of the opposite sex. Awalk or some kind of exercise almost always works, at least for a short period of time. I actually work out liting weights a few times a week. That might be the only thing that keeps me in any semblence of sanity. But I can't work out every day...I'm not a teenager anymore haha!!!