Thursday, September 22, 2005

A Letter To Mom

Dear Mom,

There has been something that I have wanted to tell you for a while now, but have not been able to find the right time or manner in which to do it. On the phone? No. By e-mail? No. Even in person… Well, not with the wife or the kids present. So, this is the best way I can figure out to do it; a good old-fashioned letter. What is it that I want to say? I want to say:

I'M SORRY!!!!!!!!!!!

I'’m sorry for everything that I have done that has upset, disappointed and otherwise annoyed you. I know that you have not approved of some of my decisions and actions in life and that some of them have totally upset you to this very day. Please understand that I have never intended to upset or disappoint you. Most of the things that I have done, including joining the (mormon) church, were my attempts to find my place in life. I know maybe you don't understand this, because you have always had a lot of friends and such, but I have never felt that I fit in anywhere. I have had very few friends throughout my life and I have no close friends at the current time. Mostly, people have either ignored me or seemingly downright hated me (going all the way back to grade school). I never did anything to anyone so I don't know why I was treated the way I was. I finally realized after having some nephews and a son of my own that some of the problem was the way I responded to them, (the other boys my age) but I didn'’t know any better at the time. But even now, in any kind of social situation, people, even those that I know, don'’t usually bother associating with me other than a quick "“hi, how ya doin'’?" I even feel like you would rather spend time with your old cousins and such than with you son and grandchildren (not saying this to make you feel bad or anything; just trying to express my feelings).

I joined the mormon church in an attempt to find a place where I would fit in. Turns out I don'’t fit in there either, but it'’s fine with me if the wife and the kids go. Our daughter, in particular, is active and happy in the youth program and seems to have several good friends. Our son seems to be not so keen on church stuff but at least has a few friends, mostly from school.

I became a meteorologist because it is something that I really enjoy doing. It is certainly not the best paying career one could have after getting a college education, but I think I am better off doing something I enjoy than having more money and doing something that I dislike. Sometimes I feel happier when I am at work than at any other time.

As far as my selection of a mate is concerned; I know that this has been another disappointment from your perspective. It seems that the only girls/women that were ever interested in me were either fat, ugly, stupid, lazy or some combination of these. No pretty, smart girl was ever interested in me to this very day. My first fiancee was smart but not all that good looking, and was more interested in her career and how much money she could make than in our relationship. My wife is neither pretty nor exceptionally smart but she does love me very much.

So I have ended up with a job that I enjoy and a wife and kids that love me. That is what I wanted out of life . Am I happy? Sometimes. Other times I get very depressed and feel like everything I have ever done and every decision I have ever made was wrong. In fact, you almost lost me a few months ago. I was so depressed in early June that if I had had a revolver in the house I might very well have blown my brains out. Instead I drank three-quarters of a bottle of whiskey and pretty much passed out. (Again, there are no intentions here to make you feel bad; this is no fault of yours!!) Note: I am not an alcoholic; I hardly ever drink. My wife keeps urging me to see a psych, but I don'’t have a very high opinion of those guys and I don't want to depend on drugs or some kind of weird therapy to make me feel good. I am much happier again now, especially since we have moved to a place where there are more opportunities for me in the way of physical activity and where I don'’t have to do much driving. (I hate driving). Had to break a lease to do it, but I don'’t think I could have survived another year where we were.

I think that I have written everything that was on my mind that I wanted to tell you. Again, I'’m sorry that I have upset you or been a disappointment; that was not my intention. I love you very much and appreciate everything you have done for me and for us.

Love, Your Son

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